Recognizing Self-Abandonment: A Key to Living Authentically
by Christianne Zurowski - ICF Certified Life Coach - B.A., B.Ed., C.O.C., C.E.C.
Oct 15, 2024
Self-abandonment SUCKS—big time! Yet, for many of us, it’s been ingrained since childhood.
Think about it:
“Don’t do that… Sit still… Be a good girl/boy.”
“C’mon, be nice and give Uncle Bob a hug.”
“Make sure to play with Tommy, even if he’s mean to you.”
Sound familiar?
These early messages conditioned us to prioritize others over ourselves, teaching us to be "nice" even when it didn’t feel right. As a result, many of us grow up second-guessing our instincts and living with a deep sense of unease. It's like running on a hamster wheel of self-abandonment—exhausting and emotionally draining.
Even when we know better intellectually, our emotional and physical responses are automatic. Thanks to years of conditioning, we feel compelled to prioritize others, ignore our boundaries, and accommodate behavior that doesn’t align with our needs. We get trained to see that sacrificing is virtuous, when really it's not noble at all.
The Hidden Impact of Self-Abandonment
Besides living a small life, turning your back on your dreams, settling into jobs & relationships that don't allow you to thrive, this pseudo-virtue of putting others first has a plethora of ways it silently wreaks havoc on your life:
Burnout:
According to a survey by BetterUp, 45% of people struggle to set boundaries, and 60% feel overwhelmed by their inability to say "no" to others. Wowzers!?!!?
By failing to set boundaries, we sacrifice our well-being to keep others happy & comfortable. This cycle of ignoring our needs stems from a need for external approval, which leads to the resentment, emotional depletion, chronic stress & anxiety. UGH!
Long Term Health Issues:
Physician and trauma expert, Gabor Maté ,argues that chronic stress from self-abandonment can lead to a range of health issues, including autoimmune diseases, cancer, and mental health disorders. He's spent decades showing how unresolved emotional trauma and repressed feelings can manifest physically.
Research from Harvard Medical School reveals that prolonged stress—often triggered by self-neglect—can lead to heart disease, obesity, and autoimmune conditions. Stress also increases cortisol levels, impairing memory and decision-making over time. It really is that damaging!!
Perpetuating Negative Childhood Cycles:
The Child Mind Institute explains how children raised in environments where they’re expected to be "good" or meet adults’ emotional needs grow up feeling responsible for others' happiness (people-pleasing), often neglecting their own boundaries and desires and getting stuck in the loop mentioned above.
Furthermore, according to Gabor Maté , as children, we only have 2 basic needs: attachment & authenticity. When we push them to conform to societal expectations, we risk damaging their sense of self from the start, perpetuating a cycle of self-abandonment and the emotional and physical struggles that come with it.
Yikes! As you can see, the impact runs deep and it's not just about turning your back on your dream job.
So how do you know if you're falling into these traps?
Well, the first step is always honing your self-awareness.
Recognizing Self-Abandonment in Your Daily Life
The thing about Self-abandonment is that it often flies under the radar. It can show up in subtle ways that are easy to miss. These are a few red flags that you can watch for:
Over-Accommodation: Always saying "yes" when you want to say "no."
Boundary Issues: Struggling to set limits or assert yourself, even when feeling overwhelmed.
Constantly Second-Guessing Yourself: Deferring to others' opinions and hesitating to trust your own instincts.
Ignoring Your Own Needs: Prioritizing others' comfort and happiness at the expense of your own well-being.
People-Pleasing: Seeking approval or validation from others and feeling anxious when it's not given.
Breaking the Cycle of Self-Abandonment
If you're like me, by now you might be thinking, “Yeah, I’ve heard this before—but what can I actually do to change it?”
I hate hearing fact-bullies drop stats without any useful or practical next steps. What's the point in scaring people if you're not going to help them out of the dark?
So here you go.
In order to help you start recognizing these subtle behaviors, I’ve created a quick 2 page reference guide for you as well as a simple 7 day challenge follow up activity. I compiled this list based on my 7 years of working with clients, but it is not exhaustive- there are just tooooo many ways we sell ourselves short. My hope is that once you see this list, your eyes & ears can be training to notice it more often.
If you're interested in "The Challenge", here’s how it works:
And VOILA! You will have more self-awareness than you know what to do with :)
Of course, recognizing these behaviour patterns is only the first step toward change. To truly break free from self-abandonment, it’s crucial to go deeper—to replace these behaviors with healthier habits that support your authentic self.
But that’s a journey, not a quick 7-day-challenge fix.
So Then What?
If you want to know how to go deeper and build embodied awareness so you can break free from these cycles, stay tuned for my next blog post.
And if you’re ready to dive right in, book your complimentary Jumpstart session today to uncover the magic of your Somatic Superpower.
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